stuff i bought because it's final's week:

1. cvs haribo gummy bears (because you cannot do finals without gummy bears. i <3 you gummy bear :D i eat your head first. and then your feets. and then your arms. i eats all you! ahahahaha!)
2. mott's original apple sauce cups (i've got six of them, call me if you want one)
3. fresh mozzarella (in a gigantic ball)
4. baby brie log (president) oh my god, i forgot how much i love love love perfectly ripe brie. president always gets it right, especially in log form. i've got it tucked between bottles of red wine in my fridge atm.
5. a bag of frozen peas (i love peas.)
6. gourmet tuna salad (cuz i like tuna, and it's too much work to make it from a stupid can)
7. sunbeam bread (pan! cuz i am sick of the perfect manufactured taste of pepperidge farm and all those stupid whole wheat breads i've acquired a taste for years ago) i kinda wish i had a roll of semolina bread from bensonhurst right now.
8. sparkly french lemonade
9. strawberry haagen dazs (on sale at duane reade)
10. blood orange soda
11. smart food white cheddar popcorn
12. korean ramen
13. nissin chicken cup noodles ala sing's deli nostalgia
14. pilot .05 g2 black gel pens (even though i don't really like them, but they reminded me of aliza cuz she got them for me in 7th grade for xmas and i felt mad loved and did all my economic notes that winter, obsessively and neatly by hand. i miss aliza.)

holiday gift list:
ben - i have to buy stuff. i know what i have to buy too. i should get around to buying it.
angie - ahhh! i need to figure out what to get her, but she has a list. i'm thinking of getting her a nice facial set from a nice japanese company. she has a pretty serious wishlist that is so typically chinese-american female. maybe i'll get her a board game. i don't think i've ever really been friends with a normal person before her. i don't want to spend more than 30 on her, but it seems unlikely.
alair - i better get on with stealing that mozart from the internet and buying cute cds to burn them on. also, i need to get down to broadway and buy her a bag, any bag. or i can find mozart cds on sale and just buy them. that's also nice. if i were her, i'd appreciate real cds too, but i have a cd player that i like to listen to cds on, and she's an ipod-only person. if i were mad sweet, i would make her a good luck locket for her to take with her to india, but i don't think she'd appreciate it anyway, and i don't want to make one for her.
arkadiy - i got him stuff.
lina - we're having dinner next week. this is so easy and super-low maintenance. if i ever find anything super cute though, i would totally get it for her.
will- i have no clue what to get him. wine? a game? i'm prob just gonna grab a nice bottle of wine. or get him a book?
twitchy - me and ben helped pay for a camera, but me and angie are gonna buy him boots when we shop with him on tuesday before we have dinner with people.
josh - still has my chuang tzu from the summer! wtf! i want it back! anyway, so i'm prob getting him a book and some giftcard, cuz money is the gift that gives.
kev - i'm getting him "if you give a mouse a cookie." he would appreciate this. i got this for theo also. (i'm done with vaughn's (levitation wand and aidan's gift (mirrored rubik's cube) i'ma try the strand cuz b&n has it for about 18 bucks
ailsa - a go phone -_-. there goes about a hundred bucks on some stupid piece of crap. the phone i mean, >_>, not my sister.
claire - i would buy her anything her cute little heart desires. maybe i'll get her a bunch of dresses and cute shoes and accessories because that is what she adores. and a little fold up table to draw on. and mad crayons and markers and paper. and books! oh shit! i forgot she asked for books. i <3 her.
kenneth & madeline - i'm getting them some wii game and some good old fashioned narnia books from the strand or amazon, whichever is cheaper
brady - cooking supplies!.

wow, i'm glad i essentially have two jobs and worked a lot. i guess that's also why we're not making christmas dinner for people this year. yay! holidays!


back to work!

Current Location: on my floor pillows
Current Mood: holiday shopping minded
Current Music: bell x1 - rocky took a lover

i've got five things due tomorrow, so naturally i went and wrote a poem and took quizzes. anyway, quiz results! i'm the same! i've been the same for the past two or three years at least. it's like i haven't changed in a while!

ok, last entry for a while.

1. new year's was awesome; moroccan food and friends for the win. a few days before, i did a gig as a pornographer. this was an interesting and personally enlightening experience.

2. i had poetry workshop with justin again, who i hadn't seen in 2 years! this was awesome. we wrote kick ass poetry, and drew on soda cans in class. apparently we had similar experiences growing up, so we understood our occasional poetic obsessions with our mothers.

3. alair's birthday party was ridic awesome. one of her asshole friends shot the back of my knee within 5 feet with a paintball gun and left the most horrible painful dented bruises in my flesh for months. i can still find the marks. anyway, after paintball, we hit up her house in our filthy smelly greasy clothes, and her party was amazing, and i don't remember the last time i had so much fun. we all just cooked and ate and drank and talked with everyone, and everyone was drunk. i accidentally walked in on lala and tom having sex, but it was cool. best party ever.

4. lina's party was nice. everyone was dressed hot, and it was at a classy club, but i got bored with her bimbo friends and i left early, and sang all the way to arkadiy's house in stilettos cuz i had to pee.

5. i moved to the 8th floor temporarily for the summer. it was interesting. my room was more cramped up there than in my room on the mezz, but it was down the hall near a window, so i blasted my music all i liked. during one of these moments, while listening to a mix of world inferno friendship society and the soundtrack to everything is illuminated, i wanted to make music, so i called up ed cuz i wanted to do a punk cabaret collaboration. i wound up going over to his new place after class to chill and jam. the music didn't pan out, but it's okay.

6. we celebrated arkadiy's birthday in august cuz he was prepping for mcats and was mad busy until then. they day after, when he went home to crash, jonathan met up with me and ben and josh, and hit up the beach. later, his gf chyrsta joined us with kev and will.

7. zach barash had his birthday! we went to the national improve theatre, and that was awesome. afterwards, we all hit up his place to play apples to apples, and me and zack elliot talked up about d/s relations and discussed ideas/techniques/subs/fetish photography while morris was all obnoxious and nosy and acted like he knew things when he clearly didn't. we had a rope bondage demonstration, but then that made some people uncomfy, so the night ended there.

8. ! i started my research thing at the end of august! i forgot about this. i got in and was ridic happy. i also hatched my triops. only one survived, but it was so cute.

9. me and ed did another photoshoot, finally. the photos are gorgeous, which reminds me that we have to give torrey the raw copies, since we're no where done doing anything with them.

10. i turned 21, and i understood everything. or maybe i just thought i did. everyone came dressed in black like i wanted them to. I invited mad too much people, but good people came, except zach barash cuz he had sukkot, and lina cuz she was in staten island, so it's okay.

11. pre-thanksgiving was lovely. we had mad amazing wine, food and people. brady dj's now! he got me a sharp knife :D black friday, i bought mad ped socks and pillows and bedding and undergarments. anyway, ped socks and pillows are on my holiday wishlist.

i got part of ak's gift already but i really don't know what else to get him. i'm working on alair's gift of mozart cds and a pretty shoulder bag that she can use in india. i think i know what i'm getting ben. anyway, i got him stoli AND courvoisier last holidays. technically i got twitchy's gift already, but w/e we've been friends for a long time, so i'll get him something more legit. i gotta get will something nice, maybe some sort of wine; i don't really know. if me and lina actually chill, i'll buy her dinner. i don't know what to get angie yet, but she has a large list. i ordered vaughn's gift, but now i need one for aidan and theo. i dunno what to get other people.

oh well; work at 8am, night!

Current Location: in my bed
Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: imogen heap - speeding cars | beethoven cello sonata no. 3

i put on the new bedding and pillow covers, cleaned up my room, and washed and laundered everything before showering up.

sometimes i've got tiny important issues, and then i talk to people about them, but the truth is, it doesn't matter what they say. i know what my problems are, and the only way to deal with them is to get around to confronting them honestly. another truth is that i'm not afraid of anything, 'cept maybe heights and bugs, but i also love heights anyway, and i love the way bugs make me feel repulsed and fascinated at the same time.

i'm clearly procrastinating on my work. i like how i always have time to babble and write when i have work to do. i dig the aliveness of last minute panic and stress i guess.
i have five hours to finish my work.

later.

Current Location: in my bed
Current Mood: contemplative, procrastinatory
Current Music: damien rice - elephant | imogen heap - speeding cars | hide and seek | headlock

i've got two presentations due tomorrow, so naturally, i've got a case of procrastination.
i haven't written in here for roughly 11 months even though i've been lurking and reading.
i feel like all my entries here begin like that.

anyway, sometimes i wish i could turn my mind off and stop obsessing over shit. it's always one prob or another with me, and i always fixate.
i don't know if i love fall out boy anymore. they're on hiatus now. i knew they were performing in the city and in the area, but i never got around to going to see them cuz truthfully, i don't love all of their latest real album. they released a greatest hits last month; what is that? infinity on high was amazing, and still has my heart, but folie a deux is all on and off.

i could do a year in review, but nothing seems overly memorable to me, which is weird, cuz mad amazing stuff happened; one of the things is that i got into some research program, but it feels like bs to write about it cuz somehow, i'm way less excited about it now than i was before. i think the problem is either internal, or i don't feel jack shit cuz i'm all burnt out from working all the time, whether raising other people's kids, doing research, or doing my honors thesis and mad school work. and i'm complaining, but i also know if my life wasn't so damned busy, i'd be miserable too cuz i'm addicted to having work. in my head, once the work stops, everything stops, and the world falls apart cuz my career and financial stuff stops moving; work is forward movement in life. too bad i still procrastinate on everything.

idk what is wrong with me. i'm 21 now; i should be beyond this.

i'm doing psych research and i'm amazing, and i will be even more amazing, and likely phd it amazingly, and it fits me and my life and life goals perfectly, and i know this, so why do i keep letting myself get drawn in by poetry?

i reject you, poetry. i reject your overall meaningless dawdling in life, your content just to feel and share your art. i reject the way you make me feel when i read you, the way i feel when i write you, the way i might mull over you before i sleep, and even dream you sometimes when i am asleep. i reject the way i will put the world on hold when i want to experience you. you are an addiction. poetry, you are for the poets and artists, and poetry, you do not love me. you are a liar without knowing that you are. i don't know how to write you so that the world is touched by you. people want meaning in you, but all i find in you are emotions. my cheeks are suddenly wet and i'm surprised. i'm not a poet. i'm a stupid girl who wants to chase passions i have no place in when i'm already amazing and set elsewhere.

and i want to be a psychologist.

i'm gonna write a better entry later when it's not finals time and i'm being less crazy.

Current Location: my bed
Current Mood: self-frustrated
Current Music: the soft humming of distant trucks in the dark